Will and Rose met online ten years ago.His net name is "Professor Libn", which looks suitable -tall and thin, wearing glasses, these are very attractive.When they first dated, Rose learned that Will was a college student and lived with his mother. The net name came from the nickname of a child of an art camp he worked.When they talked about this, they laughed, and when most of them were laughing and laughing.Will think Ross is both exciting and frank.He grew up in the suburbs of Ontario, and she came from Southern California. For him, it was like another world.The difference between them soon became where they like each other.
Rose likes the stability of Will -unlike other men she had dated, they were afraid of promise.Their relationships have undergone many tests, including multiple movements, about a year of long -distance love, and how to find time with their parents and roommates.Now that they have been married for seven years, they have their own houses in Los Angeles: an apartment in one -bedroom, where Rose receives her Prate customers.Well went out to teach during the day, and they snuggled to the bed at night to watch TV."This is my favorite time of the day," Rose said.(Ros and Will are both intermediate names. Out of consideration of privacy, all subjects require them to use their names, middle names or nicknames.)
Although Will makes her feel practical, Rose feels that the peaceful relationship they get used to make her feel sexually suppressed.They sometimes have no sexual life for a few months, but they do not lack intimacy.They have a principle that they never refuse to embrace, which is formulated by them that they inevitably occur in any relationship.They also frankly said that for her, the security of their marriage was predictable -in common life, this was what she liked -suppressing her sexual desire.She knew that it would be confused and frustrated, but she didn't want to force herself to have sex.Rose's parents have divorced, and her mother once felt that she had obliged to have sex with Rose's father once a week, which was not Rose's desired relationship.
In order to enter a state of being willing to have sex, Rose relied on a series of rituals to help build expectations -make hair and makeup, shave legs, drink red wine during dinner, or go vacation when their schedule allowsLife is routine.Wil does not need to prepare for sex, Rose believes that this is another difference between them.For many years, they have accepted such a sexual lifestyle. If they want to be together, their sexual life is like this, and they do want the relationship to continue.
During the epidemic period, the couple had no sexual life for more than a year, but they enjoyed more time together.Rose used to take a few hours to drive to different gyms for a few hours, and he went home late, and rarely saw her husband.When they were trapped at home, they walked nearby.Talk constantly.They started to take online yoga classes together, and this hobby continued.Will appreciate these small communication opportunities.Rose believes that she is not the kind of person who can take care of people, but Will does not think so."She is mentally and time -free," he said.
Sometimes they take a bath together and hold together naked, but do not expect sexual relationships.Although Will still want other results at all times, he is not required.
Over time, people's cultural attitudes of sex in marriage have changed a lot.In the past, sexual behavior in marriage was mainly for childbirth, but in recent decades, conventional concepts believe that frequent sexual behavior is an indispensable part of a happy marriage.In the 1990s, with the rise of various treatment methods including husband and wife consultation, sexual active sex also set off a new wave.Experts guide couples how to consolidate marriage. They usually believe that healthy marriage relationships include continuous sexual behavior with partners.By the 2010s, reservation -style sex has become a popular method to maintain intimate relationships, and to a certain extent implies the meaning of preventing breakup.
However, in recent years, the relationship between husband and wife relationships and husbands and wives themselves have gradually abandoned some generally held views, and strive to justify the unconventional methods for maintaining marriage.Some husbands and wives challenged the basic assumptions of their bedrooms and even living in a family, and their online groups emerged in large quantities.Sharon Heman managed a group called "Apartners" on Facebook to serve couples who lived separately.She told me that many members of her group found that when they were no longer together, their sexual life improved."My goal is to show people that there are many kinds of health," Hayman said."There is no way for everyone."
The impact of changing sexual concepts is that many couples today are unwilling to endure the "boring" in the bedroom called by psychotherapist Este Preell.Perrell has been clarifying how the excessive contact between husband and wife weaken sexual desire in his career, and sexual desire requires some curiosity, mysterious and strange.This does not mean that long -term love and desire are impossible, but according to Perell's statement, maintaining sexual interests requires creativity.Among her podcasts, "Where are you talking?", Perell helps couples to explore and express their fantasies, respect each other's personality, and try new methods to satisfy their desires together.
For Perell and many other relationship experts, this sometimes means re -examining the investment in another basic premise of marriage: single system.Consulting columnist Dan Savich also believes that the single system is not completely reasonable or pleasant for everyone. He is obsessed with Americans who are criticized to turn infidelity into moral issues.He encouraged the married person to tell each other frankly how difficult it was for decades to meet the responsibility of meeting the needs of partners in terms of sex and emotion.
Some people question the single -format standards in marriage by exploring the relationship between polygonal love and openness, and some people are resisting the pressure of sexual behavior.In fact, as a whole, American sex life is less than before -regardless of race, gender, region, education level and employment.A study found that the sexual life of American adults born in the 1990s was less than the older generation; they had fewer stable partners and had less sexual life when they had partners.A comprehensive social survey in 2021 found that about 50%of all adults who received the survey, about 50%of them had sex once or less a month, half of them reported that they had no sexual life for a year.Researchers have speculated that the reasons for low sex in the past 30 years, including the isolation caused by science and technology to cultural dialogue on sexual consent.
For example, many young women are affected by the #Metoo (I am) movement to a certain extent, and have a conscious desire.The trend of "Boysober" appeared on Tiktok. The word was created by comedian Hopwumida. She said that for women who previously changed their desires in order to adapt to men, the suspension of nature was suspended.Life can give them strength.Digital feminist 4B movement originated in South Korea, but has spread to the world through social media.The movement advocates rejection of fertility, as well as rejection of heterosexual dating, marriage and sexual behavior.At the same time, "Plato -style life partners" -mate to have a friend who has a family and even raising children -insisted that sex and romance are not necessary for life -long combination.
Sex educator and researcher Emily Nagsky do not consider frequent sexual behaviors to be the main component of each deep investment relationship.Nagsky did not say anything about the suspension of his marriage sex life. She did not agree with the sexual sex of the performers, nor did she set any bottom line for the regularity or behavior of sexual life.Nagsky borrowed the research results of Canadian sexist Peggy Klein Praz, thinking that low sexual desire may sometimes may be evidence of good judgment.Nagski said, "Don't want your sex that you don't likeIt is a dysfunction."
In her new book, Nagsky urged the couples who wanted to explore their sexual orientation and deepened their sexual connection first to figure out what everyone wanted when everyone wanted sex.For many people, sex represents freedom from ordinaryness, but the conditions required to achieve this goal are different for each couple, and it may change over time.After all, desire is not always consistent, or they will evolve in an unexpected way.
Michelle and John met at a party in 2005. In the first few years of the relationship, they were full of passion.However, four years ago, after experiencing her so -called "trauma" delivery, Michelle began to worry about the pain caused by sexual interies.
She and John did not have sex a year after their parents.Now they can not have sex for a few months.Their friends seem to be experiencing a new chapter of sexual life, and try to open their marriage, which allows Michelle and John to discuss how to inject new vitality into the sexual life between them.But they do not always want anything or accept what they can accept.
However, John knows that for Michelle, extramarital sex is a red line.She witnessed the relationship between infidelity to destroy her parents.John said: "I think there is a kind of worry,‘ I have an impulse that can be resolved in one or two minutes, but considering the damage that may occur, it is not worth it to solve it. "
For the two, the significance of love is far more than satisfied.Nearly twenty years together, they thought they were the best friends and "soul companion".When they first started dating, Michelle was immersed in the sorrow of the death of his brother's car accident.She talked to John a long time ago, and they have been inseparable since then.John felt that she was beautiful and wanted to stay with her as much as possible.Michelle is happy to divert his attention through him, this is a person who can pull her out of sadness.They went to the concert.He made her mixing belt.But several times, when she collapsed and wept, he would be with her.
John tried to comfort Michelle, saying that he understood her feelings, but when he lost his brother in 2012, he realized that he was wrong.John said that when he mourned, Michelle "knew what to do at the moment when you couldn't speak -know when to give me space, or when I need a hug, or when I need her to be by my side"" ".Today, Michelle is still his happy "core part".
The two live with their daughters in a one -bedroom. Although there are some private space during the day, they are busy working at home.Now, most of the time, Michelle masturbates in the morning, and John sent her daughter to kindergarten.He watched the porn in the bathroom with his mobile phone in the bathroom at night.For John, this is just a physical release, but for Michelle, she has different purposes: what she wants to find can make her feel good.Exploring her changing body alone can eliminate her guilt when she cannot climax with her husband.She doesn't want him to think it has anything to do with him.She said: "I want to reach the climax, but it can't reach."
Among the more than 30 married people I interviewed, many people told me like Michelle that it became an irreparable change of their sexual life.Camille lived in California. She felt that marriage was the most stable and most intimate relationship she had experienced, but she became a mother away from her desire."It feels like something I can't touch, like in another room, or I don't know how to enter my own part," she said.
Some mothers have begun to see sex as routine business, which is one on the list of responsibility.Kate's child is an abnormal child who is eager to be embraced. She found that she was "like a robot" because she began to regard it as "another requirement."Her husband could support her, but she felt that she was obliged to return to their previous sexual life. Although she was "eager to walk into a forest and lie down, don't listen to anyone."
Lilian has two children. She said that becoming a mother is a turning point for her.She had to leave her previous job, she didn't know who she was, and she didn't know what she wanted."My self -identity was completely hollowed out," she said."I really don't know where my value is." The past of sexual assault reappeared in a deep way.In order to raise children, she thinks she needs to be "no reservation."She has no ability to extend her physical openness to her husband.She couldn't stand his gentle caress, and it felt like the child's hand was scratching her itching.
Lilian's husband Philip never forced her to contact her intimately, she was grateful for this.He said: "For me, the most important thing is to maintain a way, with very positive, very voluntary, very understandable, and mutual sexual behavior." Five years later, Philip knew that she was still adapting to becoming a mother to become a mother.Bring everything to her life.Recently, they have started to have more sexual life, about once every month.Lilien liked her husband to massage her back, and he was also happy to massage her.
Other couples, like Rose and Will, admitted that they felt uncoordinated with their partners' sexual life because they were shifted in different directions.Zhen is a 38 -year -old mother in Virginia. She told me that in her 13 -year marriage, her husband's interest in sex gradually declined.On the other hand, she has experienced her so -called "secondary adolescence" because her child grows up and dependence on her is reduced.She felt "strong sexual desire", so she went to see the gynecologist and confirmed that she had not had a hormonal problem.She is now trying to figure out how to cope with her husband's low sexual desire."I think I often live in a reversed world," she said."Friends complained that the husband grabbed their ass when they washed the dishes. I think, wow, I also like the feeling of being needed."
Another mother Emily said that in her 34 years of marriage, sex gradually became less important.When the children were still young, her close relationship with her husband stagnated, but as the child grew up, they "recovered a good sex life", Emily said.She is now 59 years old and has experienced several operations in the struggle with cancer, including uterine resection and breast removal.As a result, her sexual desire weakened, and sex became like "cleaning the house with a vacuum cleaner" -pan to make these to make her husband happy.He saw it."If you are accustomed to responding to you in a specific way, you can see when they pretend," she said."I have changed personal."
After receiving hormone treatment due to cancer and approximately 10 years in advance, one night, they frankly talked about their sexual life on the bed.Emily said: "We discussed my lack of sexual desire. He said that if I am not excited, he will not be excited." He admitted that his sexual desire had also declined.So they decided not to force it.She felt that some cultural pressures forced the elderly to maintain their sexual life in their 80s.She read some articles and said that maintaining sexual life in her later years is good for health, but she is skeptical about it."Really?" She said."I don't know."
Emily feels that their marriage has developed naturally: they have gone through decades of passion. Although they are still full of affection outside the bedroom, their relationship is surpassed in many ways.Create life."We have been in sex for several years," Emily said."We get along well, but we are more like the best friends instead of lovers."
Although they all insist that sex is not essential in their marriage, most couples I have interviewed still record the frequency of sexual life.They also seem to be in a lot of extent that they deviate from recognized standards.For example, John hopes that he and his wife can return to sex two or three times a week, but he admits that he does not know where this number is from.
Nagsky believes that the use of numbers as a measure may be counterproductive.Hearing such statistics, we cannot use these data to judge our intimate relationship.Data cannot show whether the participants enjoy their sexual life.Nagsky said, "You are taking yourself and yourselfThe group does not have a sexual relationship with you -to judge whether it is good or not."
For those couples who use Nagsky's sexual "fiction", or for couples who are worried that their monthly sexual life does not reach a certain number, the marriage relationship may be threatened.Too much pressure must make sex life happy.More importantly, what kind of sex to be determined by couples is worth having.
Rose admits that he feels the pressure of society.Recently, she has decided that since she and Will rarely have sex, she can take out the birthplaces on the arm.During the operation, the nurse hinted that Rose's marriage was wrong.Rose was ashamed and angry.In her opinion, it is ridiculous to ask her to live in a state of continuous sexual excitement ten years after ten years, but she thinks this is also part of the superficial phenomenon that many married couples maintain.
"Some people will tell you how rich their sexual life is," she said."I think the more common situation should have no sexual life." With the help of the therapist, Rose is exploring her demand for new stimuli, whether it is related to her attention and defects.It is a problem, but because she is interested in understanding her desire more comprehensively."Obviously, the fatigue of my partner is not uncommon, because our 'special' brain is always looking for new things," she said.
Wil sometimes helps to explore his sexual desire.He joked that there may be some confirmation bias, but he believes that his wife's self -awareness -and she is unwilling to force herself to have sex that she does not want to happen -making him mature.For Will, intimacy is a kind of connection than to complete."I understand, even if it is just about sex itself, the result is not always the best part," Well said."Happy throughout the process."
In order to celebrate Rose's 40th birthday, they went to Hawaii in March.When they were lying on the beach, she took the handle for several hours.Will remembers that he turned to look at his wife, watching her relax, and his body was relaxed.At that moment, he didn't expect sex, nor was she beautiful in the sun.He was wondering how similar them were.The most important thing is that they want to enjoy life in their own way and enjoy the little moments that can forget things outside of them.
