Source: China Youth Daily
Author: Yu Bingyu
"How cool is the establishment of people in the school?"", To solve or avoid small situations that may occur in interpersonal communication.Some people are worried that "human settings" will limit their social boundaries.
"Remember to set up a person in the first school"! "
In the face of the younger brothers and sisters, Chen Jiayi, a junior, did not hesitate to give this "university student existence guide".She counts the types of people she set up, including it and is not limited to mild cleanliness, spending money, and going straight ... Students want to ask you to borrow money, you can use "fine calculations", "Sorry, myThe cost of living is not enough. "The roommate played a game in the dormitory late at night, and you can come in handy in "early sleeping people".
"'Social Talent'" allows us to show attitudes in advance and not treat herself. "Chen Jiayi felt that this was an effective choice made by her college.
"How cool is the establishment of people in the school?"", To solve or avoid small situations that may occur in interpersonal communication." As long as I have strong settings, trouble will not catch up with me. "Some people are worried that "people" will limit their social boundaries. "How can I set up 'easy -going but principles and bottom lines'? Is it possible to say about the needs of others?" Do you want to "set up" in the new environment at the beginning of school?In the face of social distress, can "standing" really invincible you?
What "people" masks did you wear?
"Don't sit in Tingting's bed, she has a cleanliness, and she doesn't like others to sit on her sheets." Xia Tingting, who walked to the door of the dormitory, heard that the roommate was telling the classmates who came to the door.happiness.The "cleanliness set of cleanliness people" at the beginning of the school made her less good at rejection.
During the undergraduate period, Xia Tingting, who has a mild personality, was once the "old man" in the class. She always had a mixed work in the class. She often assumed more group homework because of her classmates' help.Xia Tingting's bed was often sitting at random by roommates.In fact, she didn't like this line, but she was worried that it would be unhappy to make the other party.After a long time, a fellow villagers have intensified. Whenever they need to find someone to accompany or help the express delivery, they will come to Xia Tingting; but when Xia Tingting has the needs of companionship, the fellow often pushes off for various reasons.For this reason, Xia Tingting once felt that she was incompetent.
Wait until the graduate student has changed to an environment, Xia Tingting began to consciously "set up" - "I have a cleanliness" "I don't like to help others work" "I usually feel very gentle but angry, I am very stinky"...
"When you show that you are not easy to provoke through the person's settings, the boundary will be set up in advance, and the circle will be a lot clearer." Xia Tingting lamented, "You can get along with each other, and I keep the" gentleman's friendship as water ".Participate in time, be alone at your own time, it can be much less troublesome. "
Wang Jingjing's designer for his new graduate newcomer is "the restrained girl of Da Zhi Ruoyu".During the undergraduate period, Wang Jingjing was "lively and cheerful and socially funny woman", but she participated in the community activities too much. She was tired of invalid social networking. "At that time, it is better to brush a few papers in libraries."Wang Jingjing thought of a method: When encountering activities that do not want to participate, especially when you need to play games, you can pretend to be nothing or not to learn.In Wang Jingjing's view, this is easier than rejecting others. "The other party will not be discussed to avoid some meaningless social."
"Opening school 'set up' can meet the various psychological needs of freshmen, such as security needs, self -esteem needs, and self -realization needs." Yang Mei, a professor of psychology at the University of Capital and Trade, pointed out that a person with conscious growth,When changing the environment, you will consciously make some new designs for your image (psychologically called "impression management").It turned out that the restraint may become free and easy in the new environment, the original exterior turned to restrained, and the original speech was changed to euphemism.They are often because they are not satisfied with their original people, and they can make self -adjustment without pressure in a new environment without acquaintances."It is a way to set up newcomers in the new environment is a way of self -education and self -growth with less stress and effectiveness."
"'Line Settings' is actually a way of" Impression Management'. "Shen Ziyi, deputy director of the Psychological Health Education and Consultation Center of Beijing Normal University, believes that" standing people "is a necessary skill for us to survive in society."We can prepare a 'person -person' backpack for ourselves, and take out the most suitable 'person' mask on different occasions. The most important thing is not to set it up, but to identify in what occasion,Which mask to wear can meet your social needs and protect your rights and interests. "
"Standing Settings" cannot be too rigid, and interpersonal communication pays attention to "three respect"
"Rather than setting up a border, it is better to set up a boundary." Wang Jingjing believes that in the face of strange new friends, "standing people" can help themselves clear the boundaries and define the tone for their interaction with others.
But sometimes this "boundary" may not always bring positive "refreshing".Xia Tingting found that when I told everyone that I did n’t like to be troubled, my roommates went to the cafeteria to make meals or pick up express, and they were habitually no longer called her.Essence
Xia Tingting also has a sense of splitting."I am part of the newcomer. I have some conflicts with me in the past. Sometimes I like to be as open as an undergraduate, but I am worried about being hurt, so I can only get along with my classmates." Zhao Yijin, a master's degree in clinical and consulting psychology of Beijing Normal University, believes that when everyone starts to "set up", it may be because they have experienced some bad experiences and want to make adjustments and changes."They put them on the 'human mask' and always pay attention to the mask. They have their own ideal state, and at the same time they are worried about this state. This will bring confusion and internal consumption to a certain extent."
From the perspective of Shen Zizhen, the core logic behind such contradictions and swing is a conflict between the two desires of the two desires. One is freedom, and the other is to have a sense of connection with others.When people feel that freedom and sense of connection can only be chosen for a while, they fall into dilemma.For example, when "old good people" in undergraduate, they will lose a lot of freedom; when you reach another extreme, you will miss the sense of connection at that time.To achieve inner balance, you need to measure freedom at this stage and which one is more needed.
Shen Ziyi pointed out that what is very important in interpersonal relationship is to achieve "three respect".The first is to respect themselves. Students want to change through the "standing", maybe because their interpersonal lines have been challenged, so they learn to respect themselves. This is worth encouraging.At the same time, we have to respect others, which means to respect the boundaries of others.The third is to respect the situation."The" independent people "in some occasions are inappropriate. For example, when everyone is investing in the volunteer work situation of serving others, you only take care of your personal interests, which is definitely not appropriate."
"Everyone can bring some benefits, and it will also let us pay some costs, depending on how we take off." Shen Zizhen believes that when we can accept all aspects of our own, even the part of each otherThe level of acceptance will also increase, and the conflict will be reduced a lot."One person has both selfish side and selfless side. What are these two traits?The appearance depends on the situation he is in.A person has a enthusiastic side and a indifferent side, which may depend on what kind of person he is facing.We must learn to deal with different situations flexibly, rather than wearing the same mask throughout the whole process."
In the relationship between classmates, sincerity is still "nirvana"
"" Standing, "Be careful to collapse." Zhang Xi, a junior student in the computer department, had encountered a classmate. When he met for the first time, he announced that he had a cleanliness.EssenceZhang Xi feels that the four years of college are very precious, and the relationship between classmates should still be sincere. If you are worried about others to trouble yourself and dare not refuse, you will deliberately establish the so -called "not good, bad temper, autistic people", it is easy to be easyInadvertently lost the opportunity to communicate closely with your friends, and even was isolated."No one wants to do projects in the future."
"The relationship between people and people is the relationship between the heart and the heart, and the connection between people is also the connection of the heart and heart. FirstIt is a good thing for young students to have borders and boundaries in interpersonal relationships. "Yang Mei believes that young students know that they have to have boundaries and set borders. This is of great significance for their current friendship and healthy development of future work and family relationships.The question is how to set up boundaries and what kind of boundary?Do you think everyone will be reluctant or even exploited by himself to set up the border defensively, or will it be defended in time when you meet an unreasonable requirement?
"I agree with some students: In interpersonal communication, sincerity is the" nirvana "." Yang Mei pointed out that setting the border for defense will often develop into baht.The interpersonal relationship may not be able to keep the basic relationship (connection).At this time, "standing people" is not growth but degeneration. The needs of security needs, self -esteem and self -realization will be severely frustrated at the new level."Everyone can meet frankly. When you encounter problems, talk about things and communicate in time. He gradually establishes its own boundaries. When you encounter unreasonable requirements for gentle and firm rejection, it also enhances each other's understanding."
Shen Zizhen believes that similar interpersonal communication confusion is common among new groups, which requires schools to do some work consciously, such as holding exchanges and discussions at the opening meeting and organizing psychological health education activities.When you hear the trouble of others and understand different ideas, you will expand your cognition.For example, a person who never dares to refuse others, understands what people who can decisively reject others, may get some courage to refuse."If you only rely on students to explore by themselves, those students who can't find the direction may experience a painful experience, and even have psychological state such as depression or anxiety, so the necessary guidance is important."
"Compared to the bad -tempered Xueba, people who love life and enjoy learning are also worthy of our exploration." Yang Mei suggested that compared to people who treat others as false enemies, it is better to let their own people set out to discover themselves to discover themselves to discover themselves.The development of growth potential."This will be a step further ', not troubles."
